hi, it's darth. The Virgin Mary rarely gives interviews; this is due, in part, to her ascension to heaven. The fact that I'm dead, made it easier to reach her. What can I say--all things being equal, I had a much better shot at being granted this interview than did some of the old testament wraiths who'd been flitting pompously about, going on about their allotment of awarded virgins, on the tails of lives of virtue. Sheesh. Some caliphate dudes think they're ALL that. Maybe they just thought they'd wait...for a simple twist of caliphate. Anyhow, without further ado (or precipitation, lest my point be easily mist) (the puns! There's no sopping them now...) I present to you, reader, jewel of my eye, twinkle of my apostrophe, little saucer of pluck in my best alien invasion...an interview with the well-robed woman of Galilee.
Mary: darth! So sorry I'm late!
darth: Late, shmate. Relax. Armageddon isn't until later in January 2017.
Mary: Are you coming to the post-inagural women's march, in Washington?
darth: I'll be there. I heard there'll be no access for the women to the Washington Monument, though. The feds are hecking up access, in avoidance of a scandal...
Mary: A famous literary character once said, "one pussy hair pulls more than a ton of steel." The women will have their day in Washington, in my view.
darth: Which literary character are you quoting?
Mary: Bonanza Jellybean.
darth: From "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues?"
darth: Wasn't there a lot of hitchhiking in that book?
Mary: I'm sort of a patron saint of ladies who hitch-hike, I reckon.
darth: I'm all thumbs here, a bit nervous to finally be meeting you-- I guess I should start posing some important questions. Do you ever hitch-hike?
Mary: I prefer to take advantage of a migration of swallows.
darth: Are you having fun with me?
Mary: I am trying to loosen you up!
darth: So here's the thing. Can I ask you a personal question? About your stance on rape?
Mary: Dude, that is a heavy query.
darth: But it has always bothered me. I mean, here was you,this kick-ass chick with a big heart for all of humanity, and god basically date-rapes you-- I mean, you weren't even allowed to look at his FACE when he knocked you up, and then he sends his angel to explain it all to you...and the rest...well, the rest...is history...
Mary: Wow, you are really upset. Hey, are you crying man? Here--you'll rust all of your armor--
darth: (Sobbing) It makes me so angry. God fucking dammit Mary. It has pissed me off now, more than ever before. In this political, climate....How do you bear it? How do you stand astride such flagrant bullshit? And wear your robes like a boss. What the hell. (Blows nose inside helmet, loudly.)
Mary: Man, thank you for your compassion here today. Let me tell you one thing, and it's the thing which really matters. Come on, listen to me. People are gonna use you for their own aims sometimes. But don't let it kill you. If you were a victim of somebody else's choice, don't let that mark you as somebody who is gonna rob another of her choice. Don't let being violated twist you. Okay? Hang onto your purity, and recognize it in others. That's the only way we are going to clean up this misogynist culture.
darth: Don't you want to kick god's ass?
Mary: God was an old man who died a long time ago. He had a wig and beard, which he used to stash in a cardboard box in an attic. That's the old god I grew up with. He made a world and tried to rule it, but the women rose up from the sea and sang to him, and before he could stop his ears up against their sound, they had commenced singing him back into his fetal waters,and there he bobbed, back in their smooth waters as if he were in quarantine. He was without a visa, beneath the shining spire of the Washington Monument.
darth: Was it Armageddon?
Mary: I think they will refer to it as impeachment.
-- January 12, 2017
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All reviews by Greg Bem unless marked otherwise.
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